Monday, January 16, 2006

The news

It appears that my major function in life is to allow the Nameless Tory to vent his mad rambles on the blogosphere. Before the nurse sedated him, he sent me this:

Lib Dem Leadership candidates back Kennedy for Leader

The four candidates vying for the leadership of the Liberal Democrats have apparently panicked at the fact that their party is no longer regarded as the “nice party” and have reacted by backing Charles Kennedy for leader.

In a four way conversation about the future (the term debate was banned for being too aggressive) the candidates all fell over themselves to be nice about the drink sodden Kennedy, until they all appeared to drop out of the race in favour of the slurring, sweaty Scotsman. Mark Oaten began the butt licking of Kennedy with the statement “I always thought Charles was great. He did so much for our party. And he was great to go for a beer with.” The one who no-one has heard of before continued with “I would agree with Mark there. I thing it was disgusting that some people in the party plotted against Charles. Just because he was incapable of doing his job on repeated occasions does not mean that he should be removed from his post.” Menzies Campbell, who has dubbed himself Ming in a vain attempt to appear “merciless” rather than just old, apparently took the one who no-one has heard of’s comment as a dig against him, so responded with “I backed Charles all the way, and actually got down on my hands and knees and begged him to stay.” However nothing prepared the audience of disinterested, bearded sociology teachers for the dramatic speech from Simon Hughes. Summoning up all of his piety Mr Hughes said “as you know I am a committed Christian as well as watered down socialist, and I can honestly say Mr Kennedy is the closest person I know to the Second Coming of the Messiah, and our behaviour over the past few weeks has been the equivalent of crucifying Jesus. I supported Charles to the last and would want to continue to support him in the future.”

Sensing that he had been upstaged once again the charisma less Oaten decided to try to upstage Hughes by dropping out of the race and backing Kennedy for leader. He was followed immediately by Hughes, then by a reluctant Campbell and then by the one who no-one has heard of. By the end of the friendly conversation Kennedy was the only man in the race and therefore the presumptive winner of the leadership race.

Charles Kennedy was unavailable for comment, apparently having been laid low but a “stomach bug.” However David Cameron issued the following statement whilst cycling back from lunch at the Savoy: “Crivens. Those jolly old Liberal Democrats are really going to put that terribly nice fellow Charles back in power? I never thought it would be this easy, what!”

BBC announces rafts of remakes by famous writers

In the wake of the success of the remake of Doctor Who by writer Russell T “Dafyd” Davies, the BBC have announced a number of remakes if classic sci-fi programmes by a variety of high brow TV writers.

Programmes commissioned include Jimmy McGovern’s Sapphire and Steel, Stephen Poliakoff’s Blake’s Seven, Paul Abbott’s Star Trek and Dennis Potter’s Red Dwarf. A spokesman for the station said that they were desperately excited by these new commissions “not least because they can plug the holes in the schedules currently filled by the episode of Only Fools and Horses where Del Boy fell through the bar.”

There were some criticisms by the press about the announcements, not least one commentator who pointed out that Dennis Potter would struggle to work on Red Dwarf owing to his death in 1994 from smoking too much. However the spokesman replied “Dennis is a challenging and ground breaking writer with a real determination to see the saga of the Dwarf back on our screens. We do not see him being stopped by the minor problem of his death over a decade ago.” Another reporter pointed out that the BBC did not own the rights to Sapphire and Steel or Star Trek. The spokesman responded by making the retard face and saying “dur, that’s why they will be remakes, thicko.”

In other news it was announced that the hour long, highly expose of the David Kelly affair has been pulled from tonight’s schedule. Instead the BBC will show the episode of Only Fools and Horses where Del Boy falls through the bar.


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