An epic tale of drunkenness

From a friend of mine, concerning a mutual acquaintance of ours.

At a recent corporate party out in the countryside, D:

- necked three pints
- drank another three pints a little bit slower (bear in mind he doesn’t drink)
- did some interesting dancing (basically we would go up to an attractive girl and mime spanking her)
- started smoking again
- told [nameless colleague] to “shut the f*ck up”
- popped all the balloons with one of his cigarettes
- went home on the early bus – and when that bus was announced he did not say goodbye to anyone – he sprinted across the dancefloor and out of the hall like rabid dogs were chasing him
- spent the bus ride home shaking and sweating – desperate not to throw up
got off the bus at the Strand and puked everywhere (puke that Comedy Dave later walked through before walking into a wall – another story)
- had to be walked to Charing Cross by one of the receptionists, apparently telling her all the way how he was not really like this and how he hoped she wasn’t judging him
- walked past one of his girlfriend’s best mates with the receptionist on his arm – she was supporting him, but as far as the mates was concerned he was at the station with a gorgeous blonde
- struggled to stay awake on the train
- puked all over his home station
- stripped on his way upstairs and passed out in bed
- spent most of the next day puking and texting me to tell me how horrible he felt.

All in all, a classic, old-school performance.

The gentleman in question is formerly of Her Majesty's Armed Forces and is about the join the police.

This is quite bizarre. The bit about “impregnated by her father” is a jaw dropper to say the least. The existence of the law implies that they had to think about that exception and be prepared for it.
'You can't abort that child! It is my child/grandchild simultaneously!'